Club Bastardo - Family Guy Quotes

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Kei
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Re: Family Guy Quotes
« Reply #30 on Dec 20, 2005, 11:30am »

(After playing the drinking game on the boat for quite awhile, Quagmire has a pile of beer bottles in front of him and is quite drunk)
Peter: I've...uhh....never given a reacharound to a monkey while....humming the national anthem.
Quagmire: Awww, damnit! (drinks again)

Announcer: and now, Quahog proudly brings to you.....Fat, Horny, Black, and Joe!
(curtains part, revealing Peter, Quagmire, Cleveland, and Joe as a rock band)
Peter: Hello, Cleveland!!!
Cleveland: Hello, Peter.
(Quagmire starts tapping the drumsticks together)
Quagmire: 1, 2, 3, 4!
(All four stop and stare in shock)
Peter: Oh my God, we don't know any songs!

(Brian babysits the Griffin kids)
Meg: Brian, Chris keeps picking his nose and wiping it on me!
Chris: (chasing Meg) What's the point of mining nose gold if I can't share it with the locals?

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joevil2023
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Re: Family Guy Quotes
« Reply #31 on Dec 20, 2005, 5:08pm »

Meg: I miss Uncle Patrick.
Lois: Don’t worry kids I promise we can visit him once a month
Chris: We’ll be his period!

Bonnie: Somebody save him, he can't swim!
Peter: Oh, he's not even kicking. Kick Joe, kick.
Lois: Peter, he's a paraplegic!
Peter: That doesn't mean he can't hear. Kick Joe, kick!

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Kei
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Re: Family Guy Quotes
« Reply #32 on Dec 21, 2005, 10:15am »

Peter: Oh, Thank God. I mean, thank me. (Frog hops on his face) I was joking! Just a joke!

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joevil2023
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Re: Family Guy Quotes
« Reply #33 on Dec 21, 2005, 10:27pm »

Peter: Aww things were going so good for me and Stewie, but now he hates me again. Brian what should I do to win him back?
Brian: That depends. Do you want my advice or are you just asking random questions again?
Peter: What's a hypotenuse?

FCC Suit 1: Gentlemen, we got 20 calls about the David Hyde-Pierce incident. And as you know, one call equals a billion people, which means 20 billion people were offended by this. Needless to say, something must be done.
FCC Suit 2: Perhaps we should ask the chairman.
FCC Suit 1: Good idea. (to the chairman) Uh, sir, we're wondering what course of action you recommend regarding the Hyde-Pierce incident.
Cobra Commander (the chairman): You've got to censor television, you fools! Now, follow my orders!

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Kei
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Re: Family Guy Quotes
« Reply #34 on Dec 22, 2005, 8:32am »

Stewie: Oh, that's too bad you're on a diet, Chris. This steak is positively orgasmic.
(Takes a bite)
Yes! Yes! Oh, Yes!
Brian: (points at Stewie) I'll have what he's having.

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joevil2023
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Re: Family Guy Quotes
« Reply #35 on Jan 13, 2006, 10:55am »

Chris: I don't care what she says, I'm never going back!
Brian: Look you can't run away from your problems Chris. That's what I tried to do. I joined the Peace Corps and a day later I was two continents away.
Chris: Really?
Brian: Yep, but 6,000 miles and all the dope I could smoke still couldn't separate me from my problems. And this was good dope. I mean it was growing everywhere. Oh my God! This one time we got so baked we ended up eating all the food at the food the World Health Organization had airlifted in. Oh man those villagers were so pissed! They tried to chase us, but lemme just say thank God for polio.

Chris (talking to Peter): You're just running away from your troubles by being here!
Peter: No, she's right there. (Points to Meg.)

Lois: Peter, I'm off to my book club, don't forget you have to go to the PTA meeting.
Peter: Me? Go to a PTA meeting? What are you high?
Lois: Nah, not anymore, I crashed hours ago. By the way, we are out of chips, cookies, and funnybones. Now, I'm going to my book club and you are going to the meeting

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Re: Family Guy Quotes
« Reply #36 on Jan 13, 2006, 1:14pm »

Peter: As we all know, Christmas is that mystical time of year when the ghost of Jesus rises from the grave to feast on the flesh of the living! So we all sing Christmas Carols to lull him back to sleep.
Bob: Outrageous, How dare he say such blasphemy. I've got to do something.
Man #1: Bob, there's nothing you can do.
Bob: Well, I guess I'll just have to develop a sense of humor.

Peter: I'm gonna go microwave a bagel and have sex with it.
Quagmire: Butter's in the fridge!

Brian: So, uh, where's your good buddy James Woods?
Peter: Eh, turns out he wasn't so good at catching stuff in his mouth. So where's your girlfriend?
Brian: Same problem.
Brian and Peter: Wooooaahh!! (They both laugh)

Lois: Honey, what do you say we uh...christen these new sheets, huh?
Peter: Why Lois Griffin, you naughty girl.
Lois: Hehehe...that's me.
Peter: You dirty hustler.
Lois: Hehehehe...
Peter: You filthy, stinky prostitute.
Lois: Aha, ok I get it...
Peter: You foul, venereal disease carrying, street walking whore.
Lois: Alright, that's enough!

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Re: Family Guy Quotes
« Reply #37 on Jan 13, 2006, 7:35pm »

Peter:"Here's your Chirstmas tree. Merry Christmas and to shut the hell up."

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joevil2023
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Re: Family Guy Quotes
« Reply #38 on Jan 30, 2006, 11:10pm »

Stewie: Let me guess, you picked out yet another colorful box with a crank that I'm expected to turn and turn until OOP! big shock, a jack pops out and you laugh and the kids laugh and the dog laughs and I die a little inside.

Chris: When I stick this army guy with the sharp bayonette up my nose, it tickles my brain. Hah hah hah ... ow. Oh, now I don't know math.

Black Knight: You see kids, your father is nothing but a fizzle!
(Peter reappears in armour and on a horse.)
Peter: Nobody calls me a fizzle and gets away with it! Except for that one guy who called me a fizzle and then ran away, he got away with it. But most of the people who call me a fizzle don't get away with it! Actually he was the only guy to ever call me a fizzle, but after today only half the people who have ever called me a fizzle will have gotten away with it

Hotel Manager: And this is the bathroom, but watch out we got some bad roaches here.
Red Roach: Hey, you're on our turf man!
Green Roach: Hey man! I'll cut you, I'll cut you up so bad you, you gonna wish I no cut you so bad!
Brian: Those are bad roaches.
Manager: I blame the schools.

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Kei
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Re: Family Guy Quotes
« Reply #39 on Jan 31, 2006, 6:26pm »

Peter: Meg can be Boss Hog, and Chris can be Anus.
Brian: Enus.
Peter: What did I say?
Brian: Anus.
Peter: <laughs>

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joevil2023
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Re: Family Guy Quotes
« Reply #40 on Feb 25, 2006, 12:25am »

Stewie: Good shot! Made my brown-eye blue with that one!
Brian: Yeah, well the next one's aimed right at your head!
(Stewie jumps out from behind the tree with a rocket launcher.)
Brian: What the hell?
Stewie: Now is the winter of your discontent!

Couselor: Mr. Griffin, I've been watching you, and I don't think you're an addict.
Peter: Well I'm not paying you to think, hot lips! Count it! (Does basketball hand motion.)

Brian: Yeah, could I get two martinis?
Horace (looking at Stewie): Hey, is he 18?
Brian: Horace, the drinking age is 21.
Horace: Oh.

Peter- You know what really grinds my gears? No one's come up with a new priest and a rabbi joke in like 30 years. Ok, ok, uh, a priest and a rabbi go into..the supermarket. And the preist says, let's buy a ham. And the rabbi says, "Nope. Can't eat it. Not allowed. It's forbidden." Pigs are like super-heroes to them. Is it perfect? No! But I dont see you coming up with anything better. And that, people, is what grinds my gears. Tom.

Brian: You're drunk.
Stewie: You're sexy.

Trisha Takinawa: Here comes Mayor Adam West himself. Mr. West, do you have any words for our viewers?
Mayor Adam West: Box, toaster, aluminum, maple syrup... no I take that one back. I'm gonna hold onto that one.

Lois: So doctor, is Peter healthy?
Doctor: My goodness, you'll be dead within a month.
Peter: What?
Doctor (revealing comic he was reading): Oh, Hagar the Horrible, if you keep up that lifestyle of pillaging and eating giant turkey legs, you'll be dead within a month. Now, onto you.
Peter: So, what do you think? Pretty healthy, eh?
Doctor: Well, Mr. Griffin, let's take a look at your physical results. Argh! There's a spider in here. Now, here we go. Mr Griffin, you're going to expire in a month.
Peter/Lois: Argh!
Doctor: This is your driver's licence, isn't it? Now, unfortunately, I'm afraid you're going to die...
Peter: Argh!
Doctor: ...when you watch these Dean Martin Celebrity Roasts.
Lois: Will you just tell us how Peter's health is?!
Doctor: Ah, Mr. Griffin, I'm not quite sure how to say this. Kim Bassinger? Bass singer? Bassinger? But now, onto the cancer.
Lois: Oh my goodness!
Doctor: You are a Cancer, right? You were born in July? Now onto these test results. My, they're much worse than I thought.
Peter/Lois: Oh!
Doctor: My son got a D minus on his history test. Now Mr Griffin, that liver's got to come out.
Lois: What?!
Doctor: It's been in the microwave for three minutes, it'll get dry. Now-
Lois: Please, please, we can't take any more schtick.. Please just tell us, is Peter healthy?
Doctor: Oh, yeah, he's fine, he's just really fat.

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Re: Family Guy Quotes
« Reply #41 on Oct 19, 2007, 4:58am »

Peter: Isn't there supposed to be an o in country.
Quagmire: Nope!

Doctor: I don't know how to tell you this but... you're paralyzed from the waist down.
Joe: I know that.
Doctor: O.K. phew.

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Kei
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Re: Family Guy Quotes
« Reply #42 on Oct 21, 2007, 9:43pm »

It's actually,

Doc: Wow, really? I've been standing in the hallway for a half hour trying to figure out how to say that!

and there's more, but I've proven my point.

And now for my own quote...

Peter: Don't worry Meg! I'll do better at this job than I did at the SATs.
(Flashback)
Coordinator: Take out your calculators and begin.
(camera scrolls down row of students each taking out a calculator, stopping on Peter who takes out an Asian boy and set him on the table)
Peter: (poking the Asian boy) C'mon! Do math.

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